'Tis the Season

I hate this time of year. 

There, I said it.

I hate November-January. I don't like Thanksgiving very much, I don't find myself feeling extra jolly as I wrap Christmas gifts, I don't ring in a new year with a list of resolutions. 

This time of year is actually quite triggering for me. 

Growing up, in my earlier years of life (like 4-6 years old), I had some of the best Christmas'. Not because of the gifts, I mean, sure that was apart of it; but it's because I don't remember my parents hating each other. That might be my brain doing me a favor, but I don't have a single negative memory around those years and the holidays. I also don't remember anything before I was 4 years old. 

Every other year though, sucked. 

I don't want to put super personal life details online because they include other people that aren't consenting to that, but I didn't have ideal Christmas' growing up. I never felt the wonder of cooking Christmas cookies with your mom or grandma. I didn't understand how much money went into this holiday until my parents split, because some years Christmas wasn't celebrated at one of the houses. My house wasn't the most decorated on the block, we didn't have the fun blow up characters in the yard, we hardly had lights around our porch or a wreath. We never walked neighborhoods to view their light shows and listen to the music the lights were sync'd to. 

What's my point? 

I am struggling to create traditions for Aubrey, I simply don't know how to do it. I see parents on Instagram making ginger bread houses with their kid(s) or decorating cookies with the caption "This year's cookie decorating winner is [name]!"
What? So this is what all the normal families were doing when I was crying on my bed trying to figure out why I didn't even have a Christmas tree in my living room? 

We didn't get our Christmas tree up until last week, on like December 16th or something. Aubrey doesn't even have her own stocking, the one I'm using is borrowed from Jacob's mom and there's another one daycare gave her last year that says her name in Sharpie on it. 

As if this time of year isn't depressing enough with the weather Montana experiences, let's throw some added stress of the holidays on top of it; what a perfect storm, am I right? 

If you're someone like me, who literally does not find an ounce of Christmas spirit in their body right now: Just go with it. Do what you feel like you can do, do what you can handle. If you have the energy to put up a tree, real or fake, do it. If not, don't. If you want to put up lights, stockings, bake cookies, build a ginger bread house, great. If not, great.

For the parents with older kids, I give you all the grace I can muster up, I will soon be there and if I'm being honest, I am dreading it in this moment because you truly don't have any other choice than to make this shit happen. 

Hopefully my perspective on this time of year shifts, but for now.. This shit sucks. If you feel that way too, this is your notice that you aren't alone in feeling absolutely defeated. 

Happy holidays. 

-Madi