I'm New To This
Hello, Friends.
1/19/2019
Well, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I decided to start this blog to document everything that my life entails. I guess, for the four, maybe less, of you reading this... I should tell you a little about myself.
My name is Madison Acuff, I am 19 years old and I am honored to say that I'm from the small-ish state of Montana. I was born and raised here and wouldn't change it for the world. I am currently going to school (kinda - I'll explain that later) at Montana State University studying Nursing with plans to obtain my RN and later my Nurse Practitioner's License. I want to work with eating disorders once I fulfill my Bachelor's of Science and at this point you might be asking yourself, why? Why eating disorders? Maybe you're not, and that's okay because I'm going to tell you anyway and invite you to close this tab whenever you feel like it. :)
My name is Madison Acuff, I am 19 years old and I am honored to say that I'm from the small-ish state of Montana. I was born and raised here and wouldn't change it for the world. I am currently going to school (kinda - I'll explain that later) at Montana State University studying Nursing with plans to obtain my RN and later my Nurse Practitioner's License. I want to work with eating disorders once I fulfill my Bachelor's of Science and at this point you might be asking yourself, why? Why eating disorders? Maybe you're not, and that's okay because I'm going to tell you anyway and invite you to close this tab whenever you feel like it. :)
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I really started this blog to share my journey in recovery from Anorexia with the internet world. I have struggled with wanting to share on social media platforms, knowing that when I click the 'share' button that a lot of those I am telling 1) don't give a flying frick and 2) will most likely judge me for saying something in the first place. I find myself wanting to share my story to give escape to others that are struggling with the same thing and also to quit feeling like I'm lying to people, or even lying to myself.
I really started this blog to share my journey in recovery from Anorexia with the internet world. I have struggled with wanting to share on social media platforms, knowing that when I click the 'share' button that a lot of those I am telling 1) don't give a flying frick and 2) will most likely judge me for saying something in the first place. I find myself wanting to share my story to give escape to others that are struggling with the same thing and also to quit feeling like I'm lying to people, or even lying to myself.
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I think this eating disorder thing started at a young age. None of my family members knew how to look for it, mostly because they were preoccupied with other things (I'm not here to put my family on blast, I'm not here to put my family on blast). My junior year of high school was when people started to make comments about the weight I had lost and that "I look good" (what a crock of shit). Whenever I reflect back on this time in my life I feel a sense of sadness, I wish I could hold my own hand back then and tell myself that eating lunch is 100% necessary and so important in order for my body to function. My mom would make me sack lunches everyday I was at her house (my parents are divorced, visiting one of them every other week... For those of you with divorced parents know, so I won't waste time going into detail) and I would, in turn, throw them in the garbage come lunch time. Thanks mom, that sandwich was great, I'm sure! I had a boyfriend at the time, who (I think) has an eating disorder himself. Binge eating following a good hour workout. I remember in my struggles with eating, he would make me eat everything on my plate (somewhat helpful, I'll give him that) and in turn would encourage me to work out, almost to a point of making me feel bad that I didn't work out and that was why my body had no definition or 'tone' to it. I think he was really upset with how small my ass was :) At this time I didn't know that I had an eating disorder, I thought that the way I ate was normal and that my obsession with being small was in accordance with societal expectations and therefore okay... Which I think says enough within itself.
But, as ironic as this is, this boyfriend encouraged me to go see a doctor regarding my weight. Dr. Mitchell, bless her soul. She told me, in short,
"Yup, you're anorexic and need to see this dietician immediately, Paige Reddan". (She is important, remember her).
So, off to Paige I went, telling her of the shit I put my body through on a day-to-day basis, she had me fill out a food diary. Not eating breakfast, a skipped-lunch and maybe some dinner that evening. But, I would still eat here and there (because I was so HANGRY). I didn't, and still don't, have 'fear foods', my thoughts weren't entirely disordered... I wouldn't think to myself:
"You shouldn't have eaten that pizza, Madi. You gained weight because of it and now you're fat and ugly".
I never had an issue with exercise or laxative use, no bingeing and purging... Just straight up not eating until I felt like my body was in knots trying to eat itself. Because I didn't have obvious symptoms, Paige told me that it was only necessary to meet every two weeks. This pissed me off, I refused to go back to her. I wanted to be sick, and for those of you in recovery or struggling with an eating disorder yourself, you too know that 'being sick' or 'not sick enough' is a very prevalent feeling.
Following my cancelled appointment with Paige, I reached out to my school counselor (Sheri Blackwood, bless your soul), telling her that I don't eat and I don't know why, but I know it's weird. She referred me to Jenny, a psychotherapist that I absolutely adored. After three months of meeting with her, I was cured. I had moved in full-time with my dad, broke up with my boyfriend who told me that working out was the answer to all of my problems, and... I GAINED WEIGHT! I am fine and I am happy.
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I think this eating disorder thing started at a young age. None of my family members knew how to look for it, mostly because they were preoccupied with other things (I'm not here to put my family on blast, I'm not here to put my family on blast). My junior year of high school was when people started to make comments about the weight I had lost and that "I look good" (what a crock of shit). Whenever I reflect back on this time in my life I feel a sense of sadness, I wish I could hold my own hand back then and tell myself that eating lunch is 100% necessary and so important in order for my body to function. My mom would make me sack lunches everyday I was at her house (my parents are divorced, visiting one of them every other week... For those of you with divorced parents know, so I won't waste time going into detail) and I would, in turn, throw them in the garbage come lunch time. Thanks mom, that sandwich was great, I'm sure! I had a boyfriend at the time, who (I think) has an eating disorder himself. Binge eating following a good hour workout. I remember in my struggles with eating, he would make me eat everything on my plate (somewhat helpful, I'll give him that) and in turn would encourage me to work out, almost to a point of making me feel bad that I didn't work out and that was why my body had no definition or 'tone' to it. I think he was really upset with how small my ass was :) At this time I didn't know that I had an eating disorder, I thought that the way I ate was normal and that my obsession with being small was in accordance with societal expectations and therefore okay... Which I think says enough within itself.
But, as ironic as this is, this boyfriend encouraged me to go see a doctor regarding my weight. Dr. Mitchell, bless her soul. She told me, in short,
"Yup, you're anorexic and need to see this dietician immediately, Paige Reddan". (She is important, remember her).
So, off to Paige I went, telling her of the shit I put my body through on a day-to-day basis, she had me fill out a food diary. Not eating breakfast, a skipped-lunch and maybe some dinner that evening. But, I would still eat here and there (because I was so HANGRY). I didn't, and still don't, have 'fear foods', my thoughts weren't entirely disordered... I wouldn't think to myself:
"You shouldn't have eaten that pizza, Madi. You gained weight because of it and now you're fat and ugly".
I never had an issue with exercise or laxative use, no bingeing and purging... Just straight up not eating until I felt like my body was in knots trying to eat itself. Because I didn't have obvious symptoms, Paige told me that it was only necessary to meet every two weeks. This pissed me off, I refused to go back to her. I wanted to be sick, and for those of you in recovery or struggling with an eating disorder yourself, you too know that 'being sick' or 'not sick enough' is a very prevalent feeling.
Following my cancelled appointment with Paige, I reached out to my school counselor (Sheri Blackwood, bless your soul), telling her that I don't eat and I don't know why, but I know it's weird. She referred me to Jenny, a psychotherapist that I absolutely adored. After three months of meeting with her, I was cured. I had moved in full-time with my dad, broke up with my boyfriend who told me that working out was the answer to all of my problems, and... I GAINED WEIGHT! I am fine and I am happy.
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That summer I decided to go to college, I made plans to move into a dorm with a childhood friend and was so excited for all of the adventures ahead of me. As my freshman year of college rang on, I dropped weight, was super depressed and it all topped off with a falling out with my childhood friend/roommate. I wasn't eating, I looked so sick and couldn't do my homework without falling asleep. I was absolutely miserable, I called my dad and told him that I needed to see Jenny again. He was concerned, to say the least.
I called Jenny, had a meeting with her, just catching her up, telling her things have gotten worse and that I basically wanted to die.
I called Jenny, had a meeting with her, just catching her up, telling her things have gotten worse and that I basically wanted to die.
Our next session consisted of her referring me to a program in town that offered outpatient, intensive outpatient, and partial hospitalization programs that solely treated eating disorders. She even mentioned that residential may be an option for me. We called the center, set up an intake assessment. Upon my intake assessment I learned that Paige Reddan was a dietician here that would lead meal supports and could potentially be someone I work with personally... Again. I requested a different dietician, at the time I was thankful they had two. Paige and I are cool now, she helps me eat.
In April, because I was still in class, I got admitted into IOP (intensive outpatient program) and began attending meal supports Monday-Friday, therapy sessions with a psychoanalyst and dietician weekly and meeting with a doctor regularly. Everything was going really well for me, that summer I was in their PHP (partial hospitalization program) which meant more meal supports, basically... And in August of '18 I had restored weight; which means I'm done, right? I'm cured... Again! I went back to school that fall, feeling motivated, focused and ready to conquer this degree.
In April, because I was still in class, I got admitted into IOP (intensive outpatient program) and began attending meal supports Monday-Friday, therapy sessions with a psychoanalyst and dietician weekly and meeting with a doctor regularly. Everything was going really well for me, that summer I was in their PHP (partial hospitalization program) which meant more meal supports, basically... And in August of '18 I had restored weight; which means I'm done, right? I'm cured... Again! I went back to school that fall, feeling motivated, focused and ready to conquer this degree.
Symptoms slowly started to fall back into place. Skipping lunch to do homework, speed-walking campus instead of sitting down and eating, ditching dinner meal support to restrict, missing/sleeping through my dietician appointments, weighing myself daily. Ultimately, I was ready to die by the end of the semester. My team had caught on, even though I was making things seem fine, my weight was telling them otherwise. I needed more help, whether I liked it or not. I finished out the semester, my team wanted me to drop out so I could get back into PHP, but I wanted to finish what I had started. I got terrible grades, the worst I have ever had; but hey, I finished.
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And here we are now. I decided to take a medical leave this spring to focus on treatment, I'm only taking one online class to keep my student health insurance. I'm currently weight restored but struggling a lot in my body, feeling so big and so out of place within my own skin. Almost to a point that when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself, but knowing that I am physically healthy and my eating disorder is trying to maintain its control over me. I feel so much better, physically. I'm not hungry all of the time, I don't take three hour naps, I can fall asleep at a decent time and stay asleep. Right now treatment is good, but I have made this blog for both the good and the bad times.
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My name's Madi, and I'm anorexic... But I am also so much more.
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