I Had a Baby

 Hi everyone.

Sorry, I dropped off the face of the Earth... Kinda. 

I haven't wrote in awhile... Like, a long while. If you haven't noticed, I deleted a couple posts off of here. 
I'm sure you didn't notice because, well, no one really reads this but... I deleted them because they didn't "fit" me anymore. 
I have grown a LOT since I started this blog, deleting those miscellaneous posts felt appropriate for that reason. 

I had so many blog posts in my drafts but I never posted them because I was so scared of being judged. 
Interesting I realize that, it was a main topic in my therapy session today. 

Judgement.

I have always hated the potential of being judged; positively or negatively. 
I think I often relied on my eating disorder to save me from that - Judgement. 

I don't want to get into heavy, deep, sad stuff today... No, that's not what this post is going to be about. 

I want to update the three of you who read this.. Who probably already know all of this but it's fun to relive it by telling a story. 

I had a baby.

My fiance, Jacob, and I ... Had a baby. 
A little girl. 

Aubrey Jo. 

She was born July 13th, 2020 at 2 AM via c-section.
A pandemic baby. 
No, not a quarantine baby, but a pandemic baby, none the less. 

She is perfect. Absolutely perfect in every way. 
All she does is smile and giggle.... And crawl and roll; you get the point.
When she cries it's because she's hungry, tired or needs a new diaper. 

I am typing this with a smile on my face. 

She has ethnic, brown curls, blue eyes (no, they're not changing color) and olive skin that gets a bit darker like her daddy's every day. 
Rosy red cheeks and light-brown, short, thin, eye brows.
Her ears are small, but not too small, they're perfectly in proportion with her face.
Her fingers and toes are long like her mamas. 

I promise, Aubrey, you will learn to play the piano like I was supposed to. Or the guitar, or the clarinet.. Whatever you want, I promise.

She's my bestest friend. 
Aside from you, Jacob, reader number two. 

Mom life has been a rollercoaster, but even the hardest moments have been so amazing. 
I am so happy she's alive.

I'm so happy I'm alive. 

I often reflect back on the hardest two years of my life. 
A life riddled with Anorexia, tracking my food intake, the number on the scale.
Sleeping until 11, taking a nap at noon, waking up at 3 to scroll through my phone, weigh myself, chug some water and then fall back asleep until the late hours of the night. 

I wanted to die, I wanted to die so, so, so badly. 
But I didn't. 

Thank whatever God or superior being you believe in that I didn't die. 
I wouldn't have Aubrey if I died, I wouldn't have Jacob. 

I wouldn't have this life that I'm so frantically navigating and loving all at the same time. 

I would've been so mad at myself had I died. 

I wouldn't have been able to experience Aubrey trying bananas for the first time. Touching snow with her small, chubby, dimpled hands for the first time. 

I wouldn't have experienced such a fierce love and happiness that I share with Jacob. 

I wouldn't have been able to experience motherhood with my sister. 

Even in the chaos that was the year 2020, Aubrey brought such a bright light to it that I am so thankful to have been graced with. 

I lost my cousin to murder this year in October. 
My high school friend committed suicide in December. 
My friend's death-anniversary arrived for the first time. 

It's been horrible. 
Absolutely f-ing horrible. 

But Aubrey has been here with us, reminding us that life can still be happy outside of the terrible, terrible tragedies that enter and exit it. 

While there has been loss, there has been so much beauty in this little life of ours. 

I am here to write again, I took a break, but I am so excited to be back and actively participating in this niche of mine. 

Thanks for reading, thanks for stopping by, thanks for caring. :)
Kindly, 
Madi