I Went to the Doctor Yesterday

Hey everyone!!

I'm baaaack! 

Last I posted I had a friend from treatment message me with encouragement to continue writing and using this platform to share my inner thoughts and experiences. 
Messages like this are so reassuring because I have such a hard time sharing. To me, I feel like I overshare unnecessarily because I convince myself that no one cares, people judge me for writing and they, ultimately, think it's stupid that I have this blog. 

She mentioned a "vulnerability hangover" and a sense of awkwardness following posting about anything related to her recovery; I don't think I have related to anything more than when she mentioned that. It's hard putting the most raw version of yourself out there for the world to see. I don't have that many readers, but, you get the point. 

I almost feel like I have to apologize for writing because I convince myself I need to hold space for those that think this blog is stupid, pointless, laughable etc. 

I am challenging that today when I write this post. 

Before continuing, I am putting a trigger and content warning because I discuss weight loss. I do not use numbers of any sort, but include a discussion I had with my doctor regarding weight loss and talk about my experience in my body at a certain size. Please do not continue reading if you are not ready to read about these things.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
I went to the doctor yesterday to discuss some things related to my body and things I am experiencing medically. 
When you go to the doctor, especially a new practice, they want to know everything about your medical history. 
The only things that stick out in my history are, obviously, pregnancy and Anorexia. 
As a part of your vitals, they want your weight and height. 

I dread the weight part, of course. 

As I step on the scale I look away from the screen to avoid learning my weight. I don't own a scale, I don't weigh myself because if I do I obsess over that number and it soon becomes an unhealthy thing for me. I have lost a lot of weight while breast feeding, I know I am at a low weight, I have brought it up in therapy and I know it isn't related to eating disorder behaviors. 

When the doctor walks into the exam room, she tells me my weight, you'd think I'd learn by now to ask them to not tell me my weight but on the other hand, you would assume they would look at my chart and connect the history of Anorexia with the necessity that is not disclosing my weight to me. 
Here's the thing, you can talk to me about my weight without disclosing the number to me. 

Here are some examples:

"Your weight is concerning me, could you talk to me about that?"
"How are you feeling physically, I am taking note of your weight and don't want to make any assumptions about it before I hear from you what you are experiencing".

Instead this is how it went: 

Doctor: "So, you weigh *insert number*, this is low for your age and height, and I want to make note of it because you have a history of Anorexia"
Me: "Okay, I didn't know I weigh that much because I make a point to not weigh myself and not know my weight. I noticed a concerning depletion in my weight once I started breastfeeding after I had my baby". 
Doctor: "Is your weight loss linked to behaviors of Anorexia?"
Me: "No"
Doctor: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes. I have been in therapy for four years now and am very well versed in my eating disorder and its behaviors. I want to discuss breast feeding and how I could possibly gain weight while I am breast feeding"

The conversation continued and we leaned away from weight because, ultimately, this doctor knows nothing about me and it wasn't the only reason I was at the doctor yesterday. Also, my weight doesn't define my health or who I am as a whole.

I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't proud of the number, though. 

And that fucking sucks to acknowledge. 

I feel very torn knowing I am this small right now. 

I am happy with it, but I also hate it.
It makes me miss my eating disorder while being this size also makes me want to defy it. 
I want to gain weight, but I wouldn't be mad if I didn't gain weight. 
I wonder if people notice how small I am and get concerned. 
I acknowledge I have never been this small, even in treatment, and that makes me happy because it's like I have a second chance to be in a smaller body. 
My brain wanders to the possibility of weighing less. 

I could go on for an entire page, but I think you get the point. 

This is a point in my recovery where I have to push forward and do what is best for myself. 
I have to do what is best for my family, my relationship with Jacob, friends and family and ultimately, my daughter. 

I cannot go back to treatment, I don't think I need to, but I simply cannot go back there for a multitude of reasons that I wont bore you with. 

Joe, my therapist, doesn't believe treatment is an option right now because he understands that this weight loss is related to breast feeding and I'm not acting on behaviors.
I don't restrict with intention to lose weight, I am not obsessing over food intake. I'm not compensating one meal for another.

I know it's hard for people to understand, but I have this blog so that people can hopefully try to understand. 

While I have been out of treatment for two years now, I am going to still battle things and I need to be gentle with myself when I am actively battling a trigger or even more specifically, my eating disorder. 

How can I be gentle with myself, though? 

Not pressuring myself around food. 
I am eating what my body is asking me to eat. 
I am resting when I need rest. 
I am attending therapy. 
I am being honest with myself and taking appropriate action with that honesty.

Another thing I wanted to do with this post today is apologize to someone, who I'm not even 100% sure reads this but.. Here it is for the record. 

Jacob, 

I am sorry I get snippy with you when you ask what I have eaten during the day while you're at work and I'm at home. 
The question is very reminiscent of what a dietician would ask me when I was in treatment. 
And every time I would tell her, she would be disappointed in me. 
I fear you carrying that same disappointment toward me, because the last person I want to disappoint is you. 
I know you worry, I know you care so much, but please know, I am doing the absolute best I can for myself, for you, for us and for Aubrey Jo. 

Okay, thanks everyone. 
I am going to close with this; 

When I was in treatment I would always read and I was always told by professionals: 
"This is something you are going to deal with for the rest of your life"
And I think right now, today, I am realizing more and more... 

That they were absolutely right.