Dear Aubrey Jo,

Happy first birthday my giggly, playful, happy, smart, blue eye'd baby. 

Can I still call you a baby? Are you a toddler now? 
Let me know your preference, but, just know, you will always be my baby. 
When you're 30 years old, you will still be my baby. 

Here we are, girl, a year into this. 
Into your LIFE. 

I feel so honored to watch you grow, learn, laugh, cry, smile, frown, eat, crawl... Literally anything you do, I am so honored to be there in witness. 

You came into the world a year ago, I had a c-section scheduled at 7:30 am July 13th, 2020.
Clearly you didn't care because my water broke at 12:01 am. 
I should have known you would be stubborn, you were that way even in the womb. 

Nothing went as planned on your (planned) birthday.
I had everything packed July 12th, everyone's hospital bag was ready, the house was clean and ready to welcome you home, your room was put together. Nothing else could have been done in order for your mom and dad to be prepared to have a baby. 
Until my water broke, then, everything went to shit (reader - this isn't the first time she is hearing this word, calm down). 
Your dad couldn't find the keys anywhere, I asked him if they were in the ignition - "No?? I looked there" he answered frantically.
He walked around the backyard with his iPhone flashlight, looking for the damn things (he had mowed the lawn that day, per mom's request... You deserved a cut lawn, okay?!). 
He checked the ignition again.
They were in the ignition. :)
Did the car turn over? Of course not, the battery was dead from rolling down the windows to install your window shades earlier that day. 
"We can just take the other car", I said in between a contraction and went inside to grab a bag. 
I come back outside to your dad connecting cables from my car to his, preparing to jump start his vehicle.
Needless to say, we took his vehicle.
So, maybe that's where you get the stubborn-ness.

Two and a half hours later, when you were born, all I wanted you to know was my love, my touch and my voice. 
The peace I could offer you as your mother, all I wanted you to know was that I would always be here to help you through anything. 

But, on your first birthday, I want you to know: 

-The hard times are going to feel small as time moves on.
-You will embarrass yourself in this life, so, embrace the embarrassment and never apologize for who you are and/or who you are becoming.
-Continue to be unapologetically you. Never let someone else tell you who you are meant to be. 
And mostly;
-We love you, we always have and we always will
-And I will always be here to wipe your tears and hug you to make it all better

Remember: 
-You were made with love, brought into this world with love and I will leave you with love, always and forever. 
-I am your protector, your guardian and your mother. I will never leave your side as long as I am alive, even when I am not, I am still guiding you and cheering you on in whatever you choose to do. 
-With everything I do, I think of you. I only ever want what is best for you in this lifetime. 

So, if you want the dog, ask your dad.

In this first year, we have learned so much about each other. 
About you, I have learned that you love to sleep with your knees tucked under your tummy; as I check the monitor, I smile as I see you doing it now. 
I learned quite quickly that you hated the swaddle, you love your hands. I find myself often wondering what they will create one day. 
You love food. 
Your hair curls best when wet. 
You wake up ready to play.
You love to sleep (thank you for that). 
You like doing things yourself, once you are shown how, you just do. 
There are so many layers to you and we have only hit one year. 
It's remarkable, the person you are becoming. 

Your daddy and I are so lucky to call you ours. 
With everything you do, we are in pure awe. 
I clap for you in everything you do the way you clap for me whenever I smile at you.

Please know, while I smile at you today, it may accompany happy tears and a quivered chin, because as we ring in 365 days of your life, I find myself both happy and sad. 

I am happy because, well, we have kept you alive for one year.
I am happy because watching you grow is my newest favorite hobby.
But, I am sad, because this is a year we will only ever get to reflect back on and reminisce about. 
I am sad because we are one year closer to you getting older and leaving your daddy and I behind. 
It's so bittersweet, being your mama. 
I love you so much it hurts me sometimes, it's the best type of hurt. 

That was the feeling I noticed when I held you for the first time. 
My chest ached with pure, divine love and happiness. 
That's all you ever make me, is happy. 

I want to protect you, hold you and make you smile for the rest of your life. 
But, I know that will be impossible because there will be tenuous moments in our relationship. 
I also know that you will not want me to hold you when you are 15 years old, but I will still ask. 

I don't get this you forever, I don't get the 365 day old you tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day. 

If being a mother has taught me anything, it is that time absolutely flies. 
This year has gone by the fastest in contrast to the other 21 years of my life.
It's also been one of the best years of the 22 I have lived, all thanks to you.
While I have accepted the speed in which time travels, it doesn't make it any easier to watch you grow and to know that I won't get each day back as it passes. 

So, right now, I will stare at your monitor a little longer, just watching you sleep all while a smile lies on my face.
Maybe I will sneak in, pick you up, and cuddle you a little longer tonight. 
Because these are the minutes I will never get back as your mommy, but I know there will never be enough of them. 

I can, and never will, get enough of you. 

We love you Aubrey Jo and a happy first birthday to you. 

Mama and Dada